


oh my, my, my (living for your every move)

by flirtjeno



Series: the limitless me (from the start of the east to the end of the west) [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Background Relationships, But just a little, Established Relationship, Happy Ending, M/M, Sad, implied chensung - Freeform, implied markhyuck, jaemin is whipped, jeno is self-destructive, norenmin, renjun just loves them, they just love each other, titled after a troye song, very angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-13
Updated: 2018-07-14
Packaged: 2019-06-09 09:41:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15264708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flirtjeno/pseuds/flirtjeno
Summary: Lee Jeno is a self-destructive mess when comeback season for NCT comes around. His boyfriends, Renjun and Jaemin, just want to help him, but that's kind of impossible if they never see him.





	1. let's stop running from love

**Author's Note:**

> [edit 22 april 2019] title: my my my! by troye sivan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lee Jeno is self-destructive, to say the least. But, he's not self-destructive in the way most people would think. The self-destruction of a person is usually characterized by doing hard drugs or drinking until they pass out cold. Jeno is no drug addict nor is he an alcoholic. He's simply an eighteen-year-old who's self-destructive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me on twitter @flirtytaehyungs :) i'm writing a nomin social media au on there :))
> 
> also this is like 5k of angst sjsj sorry

Lee Jeno is self-destructive, to say the least. But, he's not self-destructive in the way most people would think. The self-destruction of a person is usually characterized by doing hard drugs or drinking until they pass out cold. Jeno is no drug addict nor is he an alcoholic. He's simply an eighteen-year-old who's self-destructive.

His actions to most scream hard-working, but the ulterior-motive of them says otherwise. Practicing one dance for ten hours a day because he missed a single beat, forcing himself to look for hate comments, ignoring people who truly love and care about him to sulk alone, eating too much or not eating enough, over washing his face to avoid stress acne, taking close to five showers a day so that he doesn't smell (subsequently burning off his skinny by using boiling hot water to feel something), rewatching a dance practice five times to criticize his dancing, listening to every song where he raps or sings so he can find every little flaw with his voice. That's Lee Jeno's Self-Destruction Manual.

He has a list and everything going, along with detailed instructions on how to properly self-destruct without anyone noticing. It's especially easy to do now. Everyone around him is so busy getting ready for their comeback that it's normal for all of them to not talk to one another. Dance practices get more grueling as so extra time in the studio isn't questioned. Doing things besides preparing for comeback is actually odd. So, spending any lick of free time alone isn't uncommon for anyone in the group.

Well, it isn't for people who aren't Jeno, Renjun, or Jaemin.

"He's acting weird," Jaemin mutters, licking his spoon clean of yogurt before dropping it in the sink on top of the pile of dishes needed to be done. He tosses the yogurt package away while look at Renjun who nods and bites his apple. 

With a mouth full, Renjun replies, "Yeah, he is."

Jaemin narrows his eyes suspiciously. "How do I know we're talking about the same person?"

As if they would be talking about anyone else.

"I mean, I'm going to assume we're talking about the same boy who hasn't kissed either one of us in a good three days." Renjun rolls his eyes, still munching on his apple.

"You've noticed that too?" Jaemin let's out a breath of relief. He thought he was just being paranoid.

"Yeah, like the past three nights where he's slept in Jisung's room rather than cuddle with us." Renjun actually pouts. It shouldn't make Jaemin's heart flutter after all his time, but it does. Na Jaemin is whipped for two boys. Completely and utterly whipped.

"Every time I ask Jisung about it, he just shrugs," Jaemin bends over the island so that his torso is leaning against the tile, face way too close to Renjun's to even be considered platonic.

Renjun finishes chewing his bite of apple before saying anything. "He told me that Jeno always ends up cuddling with him in the night, no matter how far apart they start."

Jaemin purses his lips, heart cracking a little bit. "You think...you think he doesn't want to be with us anymore?

Renjun's eyes widen, nearly choking on his apple. "God, no, Jaemin," he coughs after swallowing. "I'd be, like, sobbing if I thought that."

"Then what do you think?" Jaemin wipes a piece of apple off the corner of Renjung's lips with his thumb before bringing his thumb to his mouth and eating it. It's grossly domestic and Jaemin wants to know what happened to him to make him like this. 

"I don't know. Jisung told Chenle who told me that Jeno just...kinda...cries in his sleep. I don't really know, okay?"

Jaemin chews on his lower lip, heart clenching at the mere thought of Jeno crying. "We have to talk to him."

"He's going to get mad," Renjun sighs, tossing his apple core into the trash. "We just have to let Jeno do Jeno, okay? He was kind of like this last comeback. You know how he is. When he gets stressed he gets distant. He'll come to us eventually, okay"

Renjun pulls Jaemin close by his waist, forcing a hug that the younger eventually melts into. Jaemin grins, pressing a kiss to Renjun's forehead. He's just so small. 

"It'll be okay?" Jaemin asks, voice a little shaky.

"It'll be okay," Renjun promises, even though his voice isn't exactly stable either.

Later at night, Jaemin and Renjun are laying in bed wide awake as they wait for Jeno's return. Neither of them has seen him since their dance practice that ended around noon. No one else in the dorms has seen him either. Kun and Ten going as far as to ask where he is. They didn't have an answer for them then and they still don't have one now.

Renjun has his back pushed against Jaemin's front, the younger's arm thrown around his waist. The covers are pulled up over their shoulders, nice and cozy as Jaemin kisses Renjun's neck for comfort. It helps a little to ease his anxiety.

The door creaks open, light from the hallway filtering in through the crack. Jeno's shadow fills the doorway, shoulders sagging from exhaustion. Neither Jaemin nor Renjun move, afraid that he'll walk away like he's done the past three nights. Sometimes, if he thinks they're already asleep, he'll come and sleep with them. 

Jeno tip-toes to the dresser, stripping off all his sweat-soaked clothes until he's left in his briefs. He walks into their shared bathroom, flicking the light on and shutting the door behind him.

Both Renjun and Jaemin let out a sigh of relief, thankful that Jeno is safe. Neither had even realized they were holding their breath. Jaemin pulls Renjun closer to him, holding him tighter, almost as if holding him close enough would mean the older would have to stay.

The shower runs for maybe fifteen minutes. When it shuts off, Jeno walks out of the bathroom with nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist, showing off his upper body. He turns off the bathroom light and closes the door. Jaemin and Renjung's eyes are glued to him, following his every move. Jeno drops the towel and puts on a pair of briefs that are definitely Jaemin's. Jaemin has to hold back his giggle.

Jeno picks up a sweatshirt off the ground that happens to be Renjun's and slides it on over his head. It's somehow too big on him, making him look sweet and small. Renjun busts a fat UWU.

They wait to see what Jeno will do next, if he'll walk to Jisung's room or stay there. Jeno picks the towel up off the ground and rubs it on his hair to dry it. Then, he hangs it on the bathroom doorknob. He assesses the room quickly, eyes glancing at his sleeping boyfriends. 

He walks over to the empty spot beside Renjun and lays down as softly as possible so he doesn't disrupt them. He admires Renjun's fake sleeping face, running a hand across his cheek. He gives Renjun a quick peck on the cheek before flipping over onto his stomach and throwing an arm over Renjun's waist, hand caressing Jaemin's arm.

Jeno is knocked out in a few minutes, soft snores coming from his lips. Renjun would be lying if he said his heart didn't finally feel full. He loves Jaemin, he does. But, he also loves Jeno. He needs both of them. And, sleeping in a bed missing either one of them absolutely sucks. Little does he know, Jaemin feels the exact same way.

By the time the alarm on Jaemin's phone goes off, Jeno is already up and out of the dorms. Jaemin groans and rolls over to shut it off. Renjun slides out of bed and stumbles to the bathroom, not bothering to shut the door. Jaemin gets out of bed and stretches, cracking his neck before walking into the bathroom as well.

The two wash their faces and brush their teeth side by side, hips bumping into each other's the entire time. They walk into their bedroom and get dressed in sweats and t-shirts for practice. 

Together, they walk into the kitchen after having grabbed their phones and headphones. Jisung is sitting at the island eating whatever Chenle didn't burn. He waves at them before raising an eyebrow, noticing Jeno's absence.

"Jeno with you? He didn't come to my room last night."

Chenle gulps loudly, face turning bright red.

"You know something?" Renjun asks, narrowing his eyes at Chenle before grabbing an apple from the bowl in the center of the island. Jaemin sits down next to Jisung, sticking one earbud in his ear and turning his music onto shuffle.

Chenle finishes chewing as slowly as possible, eyes on Renjun cautiously. "I heard him leave at, like, three in the morning."

"And you didn't stop him?" Jaemin snaps, bitterly chewing on his breakfast.

"He's not his boyfriend," Jisung bites back as he gets up and puts his dish in the sink. "You guys should deal with him."

Renjun rolls his eyes. "He's also your bandmate. You should care too."

Jisung rolls his eyes too. "I do care. Why do you think I let him sleep with me? You think I like being spooned in the middle of the night by a freaking heater? I literally suffocate."

"Guys c'mon. We gotta go," Chenle says, cutting the rising tension. 

Jaemin knows Renjun isn't actually mad at Jisung. He's jealous. Jealous that Jeno cuddles him at night. Jealous that Jeno is with him more. "Let's just go, babe," Jaemin says, putting a hand on Renjun's waist.

All of them walk out of the dorms and to the car their manager drives. They pile in, Jaemin and Renjun in the very back as usual. They hold hands, Jaemin's thumb rubbing against Renjun's soft skin. They're both nervous, only hoping Jeno is already at the studio.

Their manager doesn't say anything about Jeno being missing. It was like this their last comeback. All their manager cares about is that Jeno shows up for practice. They don't care how he gets there. They should be more concerned, considering Jeno's a well-known idol and all that. But, there's no controlling Jeno when he's like this. It's better just to let him be rather than fight with him.

The drive is short. They're soon climbing out of the car and walking into their usual practice room. Jeno's there, laying in the middle of the room on the floor, headphones in, the hood of his hoodie up, eyes closed, and quiet snores escaping his mouth. He looks so soft and small and all Jaemin wants to do is run over to him and cuddle. 

Jisung decides to wake him up by tossing a water bottle at him. It hits his stomach. Jeno lets out a soft "oof" before picking the water botttle up and uncapping it. He sits up to take a drink.

"When'd you get here?" Jisung asks, setting his stuff down next to Chenle's. Jaemin and Renjun observe the two silently, looking at them in the mirrored wall in front of them.

"An hour ago, maybe?" Jeno says, voice still gruff from sleep.

Jaemin frowns, hard. And he knows Jeno saw because Jeno starts to frown too.

"It was literally four in the morning an hour ago," Chenle forces a laugh, a fake smile crossing his face.

"I went for a walk to clear my and ended up too far away from the dorms to make it in time to go to practice. Just thought I'd crash here," Jeno shrugs his shoulders, pushing himself off the ground. He tosses his phone and headphones haphazardly next to Chenle's stuff. Jaemin winces when he hears the glass of Jeno's phone collide with the ground. "You'd be surprised by how many trainees and idols come here at four A.M."

Renjun realizes that Jeno's still wearing his sweatshirt from last night. He probably shouldn't feel giddy about that, but he does. Jaemin can't help but wonder if Jeno's still got his briefs on.

Jisung nods his head, unsure how to respond. He knows Jeno is, well, Jeno and Jeno likes to walk when he gets stressed. But, Jisung also knows that Jeno didn't come home until nearly midnight. He's concerned, but he doesn't know how to go about it.

In theory, he could confront Jeno about his late nights and mysterious disappearances. In practice, Jeno will just push him away even more. So, Jisung keeps his mouth shut.

They eventually start practicing Go without Mark and Donghyuck. The whole group has to work around their schedules. Today, they decide to practice the routine as if Mark and Donghyuck are there.

For whatever reason, they can't get the dance to Jaemin's rap down correctly. They've gone over it at least fifteen times and still, someone ends up messing the choreography up. It gets to the point where Jeno is tired of hearing Jaemin's heavenly voice over and over again.

He just wants to eat and sleep. He wants to go home and cuddle with his boyfriends as they watch some lame movie with them. And, he also doesn't want to do any of those things because he's in self-destruction mode. It's better for him to just keep practicing the dance move he's had down since day four of learning the dance.

"Oh, my fucking God," Jaemin groans, sitting down on the floor with his knees pulled to his chest. He takes a long drink of some energy drink Jeno doesn't know the name of.

They're all sweating so much it's dripping on the floor. Jeno had to take off Renjun's sweatshirt so he wouldn't die of heat exhaustion. It's lying on the floor, next to his phone. He sighs, wishing more than anything that he were still in it, curled up in bed next to his boyfriends.

"Hey, language," Renjun laughs, fake scolding Jaemin. The latter rolls his eyes.

"It's not that hard," Chenle sighs, voice quiet. "I don't know why we keep messing it up."

"Because without Mark and Hyuck we don't know when to come in," Renjun pipes up, wiping the sweat off his forehead with a towel that he throws over his shoulder. He runs his fingers through his hair, making it disheveled. Jeno can't help but find him beautiful.

"It's not that hard," Jisung hisses at them, a hard frown on his face. "Just fucking count, would ya?"

"Woah," Chenle raises his hands up, surrendering. "Who pissed you off today?"

"Jeno," Jisung glowers at the older one, not even realizing what he was doing until it was far too late.

Nothing Jeno does is right. His head is pounding and he's tired. Whatever he did to piss Jisung off, he didn't mean to.

"Watch it," Jaemin cautions, pursing his lips. 

Jeno raises an eyebrow, too tired to even get into a fight with Jisung. He doesn't know what crawled up Jisung's ass and he doesn't particularly want to find out. Even if Jisung told him, it wouldn't matter. He wouldn't be able to make it right anyway.

"Fuck off, Jisung," Renjun growls, voice deeper than usual. 

"Hey, don't curse at him," Chenle scoffs.

"Then tell him to stop being a dick and I won't have to," Jaemin snarls, standing up and moving in between Chenle and Renjun.

"Oh, fuck off, Nana," Jisung hisses, rolling his eyes. At this point, Jeno is the only one still sitting on the floor. The other four are standing across from each other, faces red with anger.

"Will you stop being an asshole?" Renjun gets closer to Jisung who's got his arms got crossed over his chest.

"When Jeno stops fucking with my life, then sure." Jisung takes a step forward, getting way too close to Renjun for Jaemin's liking. All four of them look ready to throw a punch or two.

Jeno watches the scene, unsure of what to do. He's curious about what he's done to piss Jisung off, but fighting with Jisung right now isn't appealing. He'd rather dance the same part twenty more times than go at it with Jisung. He may be young, but he's got a way with words.

"Can we just practice this?" Jeno begs, standing up off the ground and tossing his water bottle towards his phone. "The sooner we get this down the sooner we can leave, right?"

Jaemin's chest deflates and his eyes go soft as he looks at Jeno. "Y-yeah, let's just do it."

Jeno starts the music from right before Jaemin's rap and they practice it again. Thankfully, they manage to get it right and they're able to finish the rest of the song without any hiccups.

"Okay. Great job. I'm going home to sleep," Jisung mumbles, already collecting his stuff off the ground. 

"Same," Chenle says as he packs his stuff into a backpack next to the maknae.

Jeno silently grabs his phone off the floor and puts his earbuds in his ears. He turns his music on so loud that Renjun can hear it from two feet away. Jeno slides on Renjun's sweatshirt, inhaling the addictive scent. It's a mix of Renjun's cologne and Jaemin's shampoo. It smells like home and the thought alone makes Jeno want to start sobbing. It has Jeno bolting out of the room and down the hall.

Jaemin turns around and sees Jeno not standing there like he expected. "Jesus."

"Maybe we should follow him," Chenle suggests, shrugging his shoulders.

"You want all four of us to follow one boy down the street?" Jisung raises an eyebrow. "That's not sus at all."

Chenle rolls his eyes. "I'll follow him. Someone come with me though. I don't want to be alone." He juts out his bottom lip in a classic Chenle style and Jisung groans because he's a sucker when it comes to Chenle's pout.

"Fine. I'll go. You guys go back to the dorms and prepare for the worst," Jisung calls out as he walks out of the room before running to catch up with Jeno.

"W-what's the worst?" Renjun stammers, eyes wide with concern.

"I don't know." Chenle shrugs before running out of the room after Jisung. He manages to catch up with Jisung at the doorway of the building. "What are you doing?" Chenle overexaggerates his pant by putting his hands on his knees and dry heaving.

Jisung looks at him with disgust. "Will you knock it off? You look ridiculous."

Chenle frowns and stands up straight. "Well, you're the one just standing here."

"I saw Jeno go into the bathroom. I've been waiting for him to leave for, like, three minutes."

"Why don't you just, I don't know, go inside?"

"I mean...I...I don't know," Jisung huffs. "You go inside."

"What do you mean me?" Chenle exclaims. "I'm too young to die!"

"I'm younger than you," Jisung deadpans, eyes still focused on the bathroom door.

The door swings open and out walks Jeno, headphones still blasting music. He doesn't look up from the ground so he doesn't notice the two of them just standing there out in the open as he exits the building.

Chenle and Jisung make eye contact before running out of the building, following Jeno. The two of them tug their hoods up because the ten a.m. air is crisp and cool to their skin. Plus, hoods are great disguise.

Jeno bops his head along to his song, not knowing that two of his very idiotic friends are following him. He walks his usual route. It's about a twenty-minute walk and every part of his body is screaming at him to just go home and rest with every step he takes. The streets are full of people also walking, but the roads are empty because most normal humans are already at work.

This is Jeno's favorite time to be out. Well, after three in the morning of course. The coolness of the air feels good on his face and the smell of coffee surrounds him. The morning sky is bright, but not too bright. It's the perfect time to think.

Jeno makes a sharp turn onto a back alley and walks until he's opening the door of his favorite hole-in-the-wall 24-hour cafe. It's small and cozy, with booths lined up against the wall. There's a classic diner counter, which is pretty westernized but it adds to the home-iness of the place. The owners are a sweet elderly couple who don't care about his fame.

"Hi, Jeno," Mrs. Wang calls out from behind the counter, an apron covering her floral clothing. Well, that's what Jeno thinks she said.

Jeno gives her a head nod before walking to a booth in the very back. He sits on the side facing the wall with a picture of flowers hung up. He doesn' have ot look at the menu anymore to know what to order. Mrs. Wang doesn't have to ask him anymore, either.

The music being hammered into his skull means that Jeno doesn't hear Jisung or Chenle sit down in the booth maybe ten feet away, sitting so they can see the back of his head.

"He's going to notice us!" Chenle whisper-yells, looking at the menu.

"Which is why Jaemin and Renjun will prepare for the worst!" Jisung whisper-yells back.

Mrs. Wang sits a cup of coffee in front of Jeno before walking over to the two of them with a smile. She's got graying hair and wrinkles, but her smile lights up her entire face.

"Hi, boys. How can I help you?"

"Uh..." Chenle looks at Jisung who sighs dramatically.

"Actually, we have a question," Jisung says, looking Mrs. Wang in the eye. He hopes he comes off more confident than he really is.

She nods her head, still smiling. "Sure thing! What's the question?"

"Soo, you see that boy," Jisung points at Jeno.

"Ahh, of course! Jeno."

"Y-yeah...so. Does he come here often?"

Mrs. Wang's face lights up with recognition. "Are you the two boys he's always talking about? It's quite adorable actually. He just never shuts up about you two. Always rambling about how perfect you guys are-"

"O-oh," Chenle blushes tomato red even though she's not even talking about them. Jisung slaps his forehead with the palm of his hand.

"So you are them! Are you Jaemin?" She looks at Chenle expectantly.

Jisung decides to cut in before Chenle manages to embarrass himself even more. "Actually, we aren't Jaemin or Renjun. We're...uh...Chenle and Jisung?"

"Ahhh," Mrs. Wang nods, a smile growing even more...if that's even possible. "You're the two boys who don't know they're in love? Or are you the two who refuse to admit it?"

Chenle and Jisung look at each other with wide eyes, cheeks dusted a red blush.

"Uhhhh..." Jisung lets out. He's racking his brain for answers, but he can't come up with anything to say. Chenle is just as speechless.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I've said too much," Mrs. Wang laughs. "Sorry! Anyway, to answer your question. He comes here twice a day, every day! Awe, I just love him. He's so sweet. Such a sweetheart. Orders the same thing every day. It's so adorable."

Jisung nods his head, not sure what to do what to do with the information. "And...does he seem, like, okay? You know, like, emotionally?"

Mrs. Wang purses her thin lips, slender fingers tapping the bottom of her chin. "Some days he comes in and I see him crying. Others he seems fine. He's been really stressed about everything, you guys know?"

Chenle looks over and sees Jeno with his head lying on the table, hood still up. "Does he sleep here?"

"Sometimes," Mrs. Wang frowns. "He's a sweet boy, but I'm very worried about him. It's been awhile since he's talked about anything other than wandering the streets at three. I'm afraid that he's going to end up hurt. But, I don't have any way to contact his friends or family. I've just been trying to be there for him. But, now you guys are here and you can help him."

Jisung gulps, running his fingers through his hair. "C-can I have some hot chocolate. Oh, and Chenle wants one tea, please."

Chenle raises an eyebrow at him, eyes blown wide. What the hell is Jisung doing?

"Sure," Mrs. Wang nods, a frown still present on her face. "What kind of tea?"

Chenle opens his mouth to answer, but Jisung beats him to it. "Rose tea?" Jisung answers, causing Chenle to visibly blush.

"Sure thing," Mrs. Wang nods. "I'll be back soon with your order.'

As soon as she's out of earshot, Chenle says, "What the hell was that?"

Jisung furrows his eyebrows. "What? W-what'd I do?"

"Y-you..." Chenle gives up. He doesn't know how to explain it, but it makes him exasperated.

There's a moment of silence. "I-I always order for you," Jisung blurts, voice higher than normal. "I-I..."

Chenle doesn't respond, only capable of nodding his head. Sure, Jisung does it sometimes but not always. P-plus it's just easier because he can never make up his mind about what he wants. A-and, Jisung always just knows what he wants. That's it. That's all it is.

Mrs. Wang eventually brings out their drinks. The two sit and just watch Jeno sleep. It's quiet, but they chatter about random stuff. Occasionally, Chenle bursts out into his dolphin laugh which makes Jisung shush him, but laugh along anyway. People come and go in the cafe, but Mrs. Wang never asks them to leave. She just offers to refill their drinks with a warm smile, every so often going over to Jeno to check up on him.

By the time twelve rolls around, Jeno is still knocked out and Jisung and Chenle have been through at least four drinks each.

"Can we just go?" Chenle whines, looking at his phone and scrolling through all the texts from Jaemin and Renjun wondering where they are.

"And leave Jeno here?" Jisung frowns. "He's our hyung, dude. Plus, I don't think his boyfriends will allow us back into the dorms without him."

Chenle let's out a sigh. "Let's just wake him up and drag him home."

"I hope they prepared for the worst" is all Jisung mutters before dropping some money on the table. Chenle smiles, happy that he doesn't have to pay even though he is the hyung of the two after all.

They walk over to Jeno, who's whole upper body is sprawled out over the table.

"Hey," Jisung says softly, shaking Jeno's shoulder.

Jeno lifts his head off the table and pulls an earbud out of one ear. He looks up and makes eye contact with Jisung. "You know, this is the second time you've woken me up today." Jeno's voice is gruff from sleep, but he doesn't sound mad.

"We gotta go home," Chenle says, grabbing ahold of Jeno's hand and pulling him off the booth.

Jeno reluctantly stands up and stretches. "Home? I think I'm good. Thanks, though."

He smiles at them before dropping some money on the table and turning on the heel of his foot. He starts to walk away when Chenle grabs his wrist, pulling him backward.

"Woah, man," Jeno says, a fake smile appearing on his face. It's the one where his eyes don't react, his mouth just going through the motion. "I really gotta get out of here, so maybe you'd like to let my arm go?"

Jisung shakes his head and lowers his voice so that the very few people in the cafe can't hear him. "What you need to do is go home and sort stuff out with your boyfriends who are worried sick about you. We all are, Jeno. Please."

Jeno tugs hi rm from Chenle's grip, a frown forming on his face. When Chenle looks close enough, he can see the dark circles under Jeno's eyes. His eyes are sunken in, a little red at the brim. It's unusual--seeing Jeno like that because Jeno is always the one they can count on to make them smile. Even on the days when Jisung is super down about something or when Chenle can't bring himself to laugh because he hates how is laugh sounds.

"I'll see you guys later," Jeno gives them a fake grin, eyes turning into crescents. It's scarier seeing Jeno be able to force an eye smile than to see him grimace when he can't force one. "Tell the boyfriends that they shouldn't wait up. Also," Jeno makes eye contact with Jisung, "I'll try to be quiet when I sneak into your bed, cool?" He winks.

Jeno practically takes off running out of the cafe. Mrs. Wang bids him a goodbye before looking at Chenle and Jisung with a slight frown. She mouths 'I'm sorry' before turning back to her work. Chenle and Jisung make eye contact, trying to comprehend what just happened.

Jisung groans before moping out of the cafe, Chenle dragging behind him.

They walk back to the dorms in silence. Chenle feels defeated. Jisung just feels like shit in general. He's tired and he just found out one of his closest friends is sleeping on a table in a cafe. That kind of shit fucks you up.

By the time they're walking in the door, Jaemin and Renjun are all over them, eyes searching for Jeno.

"Where is he?" Renjun frowns, arm wrapped around Jaemin's waist.

Chenle looks at Jisung who just looks at Renjun and Jaemin with an open mouth. "He ran off" is all Jisung can offer.

Jaemin looks at them with his classic What The Fuck face because, seriously, what the fuck. "He ran off? You guys are literally as phsycially fit as him and you couldn't, I don't fucking know, catch up with him?"

Renjun tries to calm Jaemin down by rubbing shapes into his back, but it's not doing anything. When it comes to Jeno, Jaemin is a little, well, hotheaded. 

"Woah," Jisung says, nudging Chenle aside with his shoulder so he can get chest to chest with Jaemin. "We tried you asshole. We literally watched him sleep for two fucking hours."

"You didn't try hard enough," Jaemin retorts, twisting out of Renjun's grip.

"You want something done, why don't you talk to him, _hyung_? He's your boyfriend. But, then again, maybe he isn't. Considering he's going to end up in my bed tonight, anyway," Jisung sneers, a smug smirk making its way across his face as he notices Jaemin's face fall. _Maknae on top_.

"Jisung," Chenle mumbles, grabbing Jisung's wrist. "Listen, Jeno will come back eventually and when he does you guys have to talk to him, okay? We want to help him, we do. B-but I don't think it's us he wants to pay attention to him."

Chenle drags Jisung to his bedroom, leaving Jaemin and Renjun alone. Jaemin's eyes burn with tears because this sucks. Everything sucks. He's supposed to be happy because this is his first comeback since fucking Chewing Gum and they're all so different. The rainbows and dolphins are replaced with deep voices and hot dance moves.

"He didn't mean it and you know it," Renjun murmurs, voice soft to Jaemin's ears. Jaemin feels Renjun's arms wrap around his waist and a head lying on his chest. It feels wrong. It should be Jeno right now. Jeno. Jeno. Jeno. That's who's supposed to be hugging him. He _needs_ his Lee Jeno back.

"I need him, Junnie," Jaemin sobs, fat tears slipping down his face. "I can't do it without him."

Renjun wishes he could help Jaemin wishes he could say something to tak the younger's pain away. But, they're in the same exact boat. They are lost without Lee Jeno.


	2. let's stop running from us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lee Jeno is lucky he's got two boyfriends' and an entire band who love him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> very angsty but there's a happy ending :) sorry it took so long, i was distracted and procrastinating. follow me on twitter @flirtytaehyungs and read my nomin au ;))) leave a comment or two if you like

A week passes of Jeno being in and out of the dorms before any hyung notices his absence. 

"Have you guys seen Jeno lately?" Kun asks, eyes staring at his iPhone. 

Jaemin looks at his black phone screen before gulping. Jisung coughs, fingers twitching as he plays with the buttons on the remote of the TV. They're all sitting in the living room with a dumb k-drama playing as background noise. Jaemin is pretty sure the only person watching the show is Jisung. It's a godawful hour in the morning, nearing two A.M. Renjun and Chenle are sleeping, like the rest of them should be. 

They have a practice in three hours with Donghyuck and Mark this time. They have to perfect the Go choreography--like there is no more time for screw ups. Which is why the stress is running high and the tension is thick. And Jeno isn't coming home anymore.

Another reason Jaemin is sitting in the living room, eyes barely able to stay open. Renjun fell asleep easily, but Jaemin tossed and turned for a few hours worried sick about Jeno. He eventually just got out of bed and walked into the living room, joining team can't sleep with Jisung and Kun.

"Uh...you guys going to answer me?" Kun murmurs. 

Jisung snorts. "Surprised it took you so long." His eyes never stray from the TV.

Jaemin chews on the tip of his thumb. He doesn't want to say anything about Jeno being gone all the time, even if Kun has started to notice. If he says something, his stupid, stupid boyfriend is going to get in trouble. Kun will lecture him, Jeno will ignore him, and then Kun will be forced to go to the managers about the whole situation. That cannot happen. Jaemin doesn't even want to think about the possible punishment Jeno would receive.

Thankfully, Jisung stays silent on the whole situation. The tension between the two is still as thick as ever. Jisung refuses to apologize despite Chenle's pleas and Jaemin refuses to talk to Jisung unless he apologizes. The whole dorm has been on edge since their fight. Chenle and Renjun try to ease the tension, but Jisung and Jaemin always manage to fight about trivial shit.

"I just don't see him that often," Kun says, voice monotone. 

They sit in silence except for the TV running. Jaemin feels himself drifting in between lucid and dreaming. He can hear everything, but it all feels fake. So, he think's he's dreaming when he hears the door unlock. He definitely thinks he's dreaming when he hears footsteps walk into the living room.

He knows it's not a dream when he hears Jeno's voice. "What are you guys doing up?"

His eyes snap open and he's face to face with Lee Jeno in a black t-shirt, soaking wet, water literally dripping onto the floor. His denim jeans are darkened from the water. Jaemin looks out the window, just now noticing the raindrops sliding down the window.

"Could ask the same for you," Kun mumbles, eyes finally leaving his phone. He stands up and grabs a blanket, wrapping it around Jeno's shivering shoulders. 

Jeno shakes his head, water falling off his hair and onto the floor, adding to the already growing puddle. Jeno raises an eyebrow, which _almost_ distracts Jaemin from the increasingly blue bags under Jeno's eyes. "We have rehearsal in," Jeno takes his phone from his pocket to check the time, "in less than three and half hours."

"Yeah, I think I'm heading in," Jisung mutters, pushing himself off the couch. "See you guys soon."

Jeno laughs, waving goodbye to Jisung as he walks towards Chenle's room. "Pretty sure that isn't his bedroom he just went into."

Jaemin shrugs, a small smile forming. Even when he desperately wants to be mad at Jeno, he can't be. He wants to yell and scream at him for being out so late, for making him and Renjun worry to death. "They're grossly interdependent." He bites his lip. "You've missed a lot."

Jeno nods his head, chewing on his tongue. "Yeah, I guess." Pause. "I'm going to go shower, see ya Kun."

Kun pats Jeno's shoulder before disappearing into his room. 

Jaemin looks down at his phone, unable to look at Jeno. If he looks at Jeno, he's going to lose it. Literally, start sobbing. So, he doesn't.

"'Kay," Jeno murmurs, voice soft. "Guess I'll see you too, Jaemin."

And Jaemin loses it because Jeno doesn't call him Jaemin. He hasn't called him Jaemin at home since they started dating. The first tear slips out of his eye and the rest follow suit, dripping onto his phone screen. Choked sobs escape his mouth, lungs burning with the need for more oxygen. _Why is he crying? Why can't he just keep it together?_

"Hey, pretty baby," Jeno whispers into Jaemin's ear, arms pulling Jaemin to his chest. He's soaking wet, Jaemin's tears wet the shirt even more. "You're okay. You don't need to cry."

His words and his soft voice and his scent just makes Jaemin cry even harder. He can't breathe, but he can't bring himself to pull away from Jeno's embrace. It's been so long. Too long. And that makes him cry too. 

Jeno continues to whisper sweet nothings into Jaemin's ear, hands caressing every inch of his skin. Jaemin melts into the hug, snuggling close to Jeno despite him being wet. It's kind of gross, considering Jaemin's clothes are dryer than the Sahara desert. But, it feels good. Good enough to keep him there as Jeno traces random patterns onto the bare skin of Jaemin's back.

"I'm sorry," Jaemin sniffles, head still lying against Jeno's chest.

"Don't be," Jeno sighs. "It's okay, I don't mind."

"You don't mind holding me as I have a mental breakdown?" Jaemin laughs, all of his weight pressed against Jeno's. 

"Of course not," Jeno promises. "You want to talk about it?"

Jaemin wishes he could say that Jeno's the reason he's sobbing at two in the fucking morning. He wishes he could tell Jeno that he has to stop whatever's going on with him. But, he just shakes his head no.

"Alright," Jeno says, fingers running through Jaemin's already messy hair. "I'm here if you want to talk about it."

Jaemin can't stop himself. He tries, he really does. But, he can't stop the word vomit. "No, you're not. You're never fucking here, Jeno." He pulls away from his boyfriend's touch, pushing Jeno away from him. "That's the problem."

Jeno's eyes widen, mouth opening and then closing. He stands up off the couch, not saying a word. "I'm going to shower. You should go to bed, though. You're going to be in Hell tomorrow."

With that, Jeno's skipping towards the bathroom that Jisung and Chenle share. It hurts that Jeno doesn't go to their bedroom. It hurts that Jeno brushed him off. And it just fucking hurts in general.

"I'm already in Hell," Jaemin whispers to no one but himself. He folds the blanket Jeno had wrapped around his shoulders and throws it over the back of the couch. There's a visible dark spot from where Jeno was sitting and Jaemin almost giggles despite the situation they're in. He walks to their room, eyes barely able to stay open.

He peaks inside and sees Renjun still asleep, looking small and lonely in the middle their bed. He shuts the door behind him before stripping, leaving his damp clothes a mess on the floor to deal with later. He slides under the comforter next to Renjun and plugs his dying phone into the charger. He snuggles next to Renjun, pressing his face into the crook of Renjun's neck.

Jaemin's alarm goes off fifteen until five. Renjun turns it off for him, kissing his cheek before getting up and going into the bathroom. Jaemin's whole body is painfully tired, eyelids stuck together. He can barely get his head to move off the pillow, let alone leave the warm bed.

"C'mon, baby," Renjun mumbles, lips pressed against the tip of Jaemin's ear. "We gotta go. Let's go."

He rolls out of bed, eyes blurry and body dragging as he stumbles toward their bathroom. He doesn't think he'll be able to get through practice without coffee or something.

Renjun reads his mind because he says, "I'll get you a cup of coffee, 'kay? You just gotta get dressed."

Jaemin nods his head while turning the faucet on and grabbing the tube of facewash. He splashes cold water onto his face, hoping it'll wake him up. He cleans his face and brushes his teeth, not even caring about how his hair works. He slides on some sweats from Jeno's drawer and a sweatshirt he picked up off the edge of the bed. 

Finally, he makes his way to the kitchen with his phone and headphones in hand. The air is filled with the scent of coffee and Jaemin has never been more grateful to have Renjun as his boyfriend.

"Here." Renjun shoves a mug into Jaemin's hand and Jaemin drinks it, not caring that the flavor doesn't mix well with the minty aftertaste of toothpaste.

He looks up and sees Chenle happily chewing on an orange and Jisung barely able to keep his face from falling into his cereal. His eyes widen and his chest constricts when he sees Jeno sitting next to Jisung with his head on the island.

He glances at Renjun who shrugs as he takes a bite of his daily apple. Jaemin nods and finishes his coffee, setting the mug in the sink. He grabs some health bar from the cabinet and breaks a piece off, offering it to Renjun who declines. Jaemin finishes the bar by the time they're all getting ready to leave.

He goes to wake Jeno up, but Jisung beats him to it. 

"Let's go, you asshat," Jisung says, swatting Jeno on the back of the head.

Jeno groans, head lifting off the counter. "I'm going to kill you, Jisung Park. Just you wait."

"Then you better stop cuddling with me in the night," Jisung mumbles. 

Jeno shrugs. "You clearly don't hate it if you don't push me off during the night."

And Jaemin hates every second of their interaction. He hates himself for hating it. He hates that it makes this part of his heart hurt and this other part grows with burning hot hate for Jisung. He knows he shouldn't be jealous because it's Jisung. And, Jisung would never, ever make a move on Jeno. Even as mad as Jisung is with Jaemin, he would never do something like that.

Jisung wraps an arm around Jeno's shoulder, pulling him towards the car. Jaemin walks behind them, bitterly biting on his lip. He feels an arm snake around his waist and he looks to his right to see Renjun beside him.

"I understand" is all Renjun whispers. Jaemin stiffly climbs into the back of the car with Renjun hot on his heels. He sits down and glowers at Jeno who's sandwiched in between Chenle and Jisung, the maknae happily cuddling up next to Jeno.

The rest of the ride to the studio, Jaemin is staring at Jeno and Jisung. Every time Jisung touches Jeno, Jaemin has the overwhelming urge to slap him. It's ridiculous to be jealous of Jisung of all people. Renjun sighs.

The car pulls up to the building and everyone gets out, Jisung clinging to Jeno's side. Jaemin rolls his eyes. _Fuck Park Jisung. And fuck Lee Jeno._ The whole walk to the practice room, Renjun is comforting both Chenle and Jaemin, arm wrapped around each boy. He has to wonder what Jisung is doing because he just doesn't understand why he suddenly has to be attached to Jeno's hip. 

Mark and Hyuck are already in the studio, talking to each other as they wait.

"Took you guys long enough," Hyuck says as they walk in. Jaemin drops his bag on the floor and pouts.

"Glad to see you guys too," Mark laughs, crossing his arm over his chest.

Nobody responds except Jisung who smiles a little, back hugging Jeno now. Jaemin rolls his eyes so hard he thinks they might fall out of his eye sockets. He doesn't know what he can do to piss Jisung off. Then he sees Chenle bend over and grab a bottle of water off the floor and he _knows_. 

All rational ideas are off the table and out the window when Jaemin walks over to Chenle and grabs his hand. Chenle opens his mouth to say something but Jaemin silences him by pressing his pointer finger to his lips. 

Renjun watches the whole scene, kind of terrified by what Jaemin might do. Sleep deprived and jealous does not mix well, especially for Na Jaemin.

Jisung looks into the mirror and sees Jaemin holding both of Chenle's hands. He doesn't know why but he really doesn't like it. In fact, a more accurate word is hate. He hates it. Instead of letting go of Jeno and making Jaemin happy, he hugs him tighter.

He knows he's pissing Jaemin off because he knows Jaemin's jealous face. It doesn't make him feel good, not really at least. When he looks over and sees Renjun with his forehead resting on the palm of his hand, he knows that this is possibly the dumbest thing him and Jaemin have ever done.

Jeno's indifferent to the whole thing. Honestly, fuck everyone.

"You guys ready to start?" Mark asks, voice audibly shaking.

Everyone just shrugs and gets into their opening positions as the music is being turned on. Within the first fifteen seconds, Jaemin _accidentally_ runs into Jisung, knocking him onto the floor.

"What the actual fuck?" Jisung yells, ignoring Mark's hand and standing up off the floor. He pushes Jaemin backward by the shoulders, making him stumble and straight into Renjun who steadies him.

"Can I fucking help you, Park?" Jaemin screams back. He pushes Jisung back, causing him to run into Jeno. Jeno raises an eyebrow, surprised by Jaemin's outburst. He puts a hand on Jisung's waist to keep him from falling any father.

"You're the one who ran into me!" Jisung forces Jeno to back hug him, loving how Jaemin's eyes grow a little bit darker with jealousy. He smirks.

"I'm going to beat the _shit_ out of you." Jaemin all but runs at Jisung, wrapping his arms around his waist and pulling both him and Jeno to the floor. The two roll around a big, Jaemin ending up on top of Jisung and Jeno laying beside them, eyes closed and a hand on his forehead. 

He really doesn't feel good.

Mark and Donghyuck pull Jaemin off of Jisung who's squirming underneath him. Jaemin's limbs are flailing, occasionally smacking them as they drag him to the other side of the practice room. Jisung is being helped up by Renjun and Chenle. They examine him, checking for any marks or bruises that could get them in trouble.

Jeno stands up, but his eyes start to grain over. His skull pounds in the very front. He screws his eyes shut, trying to regain control of his vision. He stumbles towards a wall as a vain attempt to find something to hold on to. Everyone is so distracted by the two screaming boys, they don't notice him until he's collapsing on the floor, legs giving out altogether.

Renjun is the first over to Jeno, shaking his arms and screaming hysterically. Mark runs to find the Dream manager, fingers typing away on his iPhone. Chenle scrambles towards the sweatshirt he brought, flinging it at Jisung who puts it under Jeno's head. Jaemin pulls Jeno's head and Chenle's sweatshirt into his lap, upper body rocking while he's crying. Donghyuck is trying to comfort a screeching Renjun, but nothing is calming him.

"You have to get him to a fucking hospital! Call the fucking ambulance!" Renjun sobs into Jeno's chest. Maybe he's overreacting, maybe. But, nobody around him dares to call him out on it.

Jaemin closes his eyes, hands holding the side of Jeno's face. Jeno is limp, body compliant to whatever. He's breathing shallowly and sometimes not at all.

The sound of heavy set footsteps snaps Jaemin out of his trance, forcing him to pay attention to something besides Jeno.

"We have to get him to a hospital," someone murmurs.

"No! We can't have a scandal going around. We have to get him home. Everyone already knows how to deal with a fainter," someone else argues, already directing Donghyuck, Mark, Jisung, and Chenle to pick Jeno up. "We'll pull the car around back and I'll text when you need to carry him out."

They leave them alone which forces them to have to figure out how the hell they're going to get Jeno out of the building inconspicuously. 

"We just have to pick him up," Mark mumbles, biting on his fingernail. "The six of us are strong enough to carry him."

"Well, Renjun can barely walk to the other side of the room alone let alone carry his passed out boyfriend across a fucking building!" Jisung snaps, pacing around the room. Chenle grabs his arm, making him stand still. 

"Guys, we just have to carry him. They're not even taking him to a goddamn hospital, w-we don't have the time," Donghyuck says, hugging Renjun.

Jaemin still has Jeno's head in his lap. He can barely even hear what they're saying, his ears feel like they're stuffed with cotton. He just wants to pretend that Jeno is okay. That he hasn't been staying out so late and looking thinner and thinner. He just wants to hold him and keep him safe from this evil world. Is that so much to ask? 

"Okay, okay," Mark gulps. "Chenle and I will carry his legs. Hyuckie and Jisung will take his upper body. Jaemin will support his middle and Renjun will watch out for his head, okay? Now we really need to go."

Everyone gathers around Jeno, getting ready to pick him up. Jaemin slips his arms under Jeno's abdomen, waiting for Mark to tell them to lift.

"Pick him up," Mark directs. They all pick him up. Jaemin almost cries at how light he is.

"He's..." Jisung says while they walk towards the door.

"Lost a lot of weight," Chenle finishes. 

Renjun is numb. He literally can't feel anything that's happening. He's supporting Jeno's neck and gasping for air with every step. This isn't supposed to be how today went. They were supposed to perfect the routine and go home. They aren't supposed to be carrying his unconscious boyfriend out of the building.  
He feels like he can't even breathe, can't even think.

He holds the door open until someone else is able to hold it open as they walk out. They almost drop Jeno thrice, someone losing their grip on his body as they haul him out of the building. Each time, Renjun is cursing that person out hysterically, screaming about how he will kill them if Jeno falls.

They make it to the back of the building where no one is. Jaemin is so thankful no one else is here to see this. Their managers' car is pulled up as close to the door as it can get. Their manager climbs out and opens the back door for them.

Renjun climbs in first, pulling on Jeno's shirt so that Jeno's head was lying on his lap in the very back of the car. 

"We left out stuff," Jisung mentions numbly, eyes darting around the car. Their manager says that he'll have someone collect it. Nobody argues, not wanting to waste any more time. They pull out of the lot.

Time passes by so slow. With every ticking second, Renjun is getting more and more desperate for them to be home already. He _can't_. Jeno can't be injured. He can't survive this comeback without him. NCT Dream can't comeback without their Lee Jeno. That's pretty evident now.

The car pulls up to the dorms and everyone is scrambling to unbuckle their seatbelts and drag Jeno inside. There's a familiar car also their. It's the car of the private doctor that shows up every time a member is hurt or sick and SM doesn't want the general public to know. 

"Injunnie," Jaemin whispers, grabbing Renjun's attention. "C'mon we gotta get him inside."

Renjun nods and pushes Jeno's shoulders towards the members. The hardest part is not dropping him, but they end up doing it. Renjun is sure that their mother instincts kicked in otherwise there would've been no way they could've gotten him out of the car.

They carry him into the house and put him on the couch. The hyungs that are home come out of their rooms, confused by the ruckus. They all gather around Jeno, asking all these questions that nobody has the answer to. The doctor pushes them all out of the way, telling them to leave the room so he can deal with this alone.

Jaemin doesn't possibly know how he could leave Jeno alone until Jisung is dragging them all towards his bedroom. The room is actually neat for once, which surprises them all.

"You've been cleaning?" Mark asks, looking at the room. 

Chenle knows the truth, which happens to be that Jisung has been staying with him. He doesn't say anything though, just agrees that his room is oddly clean.

"I'm scared," Jisung confesses, tears slipping down his face. Under all that sarcasm and rude remarks, he's still their maknae. The baby.

Hyuck goes to him and hugs him, kissing him on the top of the head. Chenle's brain screams at Hyuck not to touch what's _his_ and he immediately feels sick just thinking that though. Jisung is not his and never will be his.

"It'll be okay," Mark offers. It's not very good, but nobody has the heart to tell him. He's the oldest after all.

"I'll be back," Jaemin mutters, leaving the room and Renjun behind. Chenle sits next to Renjun on Jisung's bed, hugging him. It's just...how? How isn't the right question. They know how. But, why? 

Jaemin stumbles back into the room, a crumbled mess of papers grasped in his hand. "Look."

Mark grabs the papers from Jaemin's hands and reads it. Renjun starts to feel nervous when he sees Mark's eyes widen as he reads. 

"Wow," Mark says, handing the pile of papers to Renjun.

He starts to read it but immediately stops to look at Jaemin who's looking at the floor. He reads the first sentence: _Lee Jeno's Self-Destruction Manual_ and gives up.

"I don't wanna," he mumbles, handing it to Chenle who starts to read the whole thing, Jisung looking over his shoulder the whole time.

Their manager comes back to get them. They all walk to the living room, seeing Jeno surrounded by the hyungs already. He's only nodding.

When he sees Jisung, he waves, showing off his new IV stuck in his left arm. 

"It's not drugs, it's literal water," Jeno answers their unspoken questions. "I know, no fun whatsoever."

"How can you be joking?" Chenle snaps, shocking the whole room, having expected it to come from Jisung. _God, what the hell is Park Jisung doing to me_ , Chenle thinks to himself. He's not this person. He's not the guy who yells at the dude lying in bed after passing out.

"If I don't joke about it, it makes me depressed," Jeno pouts. "Lighten up, Lele. I'm fine. Ready to go in no time."

It just makes Jaemin so fucking mad that his boyfriend is such a dumbass. It makes him so mad that he's joking and acting like everything is fine when in reality, nothing about this entire situation is fine. It's all fucked up.

"Stop!" Jaemin yells, pushing people out of his way. "Y-you can't do that, Jeno. You can't pretend that you're okay, that this," he notions to all of them, "that this is fine."

Jeno fakes his confusion. "But, it is okay, Jaemin? Look, I'm alright."

"Yeah?" Jaemin asks, fuming from Jeno's fucking act. "Then explain this." He shoves the bunches of papers at Jeno's chest, watching as Jeno's eyes go with recognition. 

"N-nana," Jeno stutters, grabbing the papers and sorting through them. 

"That's what I thought, you fucker. I-I hate you, Lee Jeno. I hate you with every cell in my entire body. I hate that you don't tell me what's wrong. I hate that you pull this shit. And I hate that I'm still hopelessly in love with you." Jaemin's got tears slipping down his cheeks a mile a minute. He runs to his room, slamming the door behind him.

Jeno hadn't realized that he was crying until he hears himself sniffle. He looks up through teary eyes at Renjun who's conflicted. On one hand, he wants to run over to Jeno and cuddle him. On the other, he wants to go and kiss Jaemin's tears away.

"I just want to be alone," Jeno murmurs, pulling a blanket off the back of the couch over his head. "Please. I'm really tired."

He sets the papers on the floor, not even caring if people read them. Mark picks them up off the floor and carries them to the kitchen, the hyungs follow him. Chenle disappears into his bedroom, following Jeno's requests.

The only people left are Renjun and Jisung.

"I've got him," Jisung mumbles, shooing Renjun towards Jaemin.

"You don't need to baby me, Jisung. I'm older than you," Jeno snaps, covering his face with his blanket. 

"I'll stop babying you when you tell me what's wrong," Jisung says, pulling the blanket back. He sits down on the couch, putting Jeno's feet in his lap. 

"Nothing is wrong!" Jeno tries, but he knows it's useless. From the look on Jisung's face, he already read the entire manual. "You read it?"

"Yeah."

Jeno wipes a tear off of his cheek with the back of his hand. "Oh."

"Jeno, please just tell me what's wrong. Please," Jisung pleads, eyes watery. 

Jeno wishes he knew. He wishes he knew why he did this to himself, why it's easier to cave in on himself rather than fight when things got hard. But, he doesn't know. He just knows how to self-destruct. 

"I-I-" Jeno sobs, lungs burning for air. "J-Jisung, I-I d-don't k-k-know."

Jisung rubs his calf and hums, trying to keep his tears in. 

"You've been too good," Jeno cries into his hands. "You've been too good to me, Sungie. L-last night when you took care of me when I was a mess. I-I can't."

"Jeno, please. We're all worried about you." 

And he knows they're worried, which only adds to his guilt. He knows that they care and they love him. It's written all over their faces, their actions. It makes him feel worse, not better, knowing that they care about him and he's being a fucking mess. The whole thing makes him want to self-destruct even more.

Because self-destruction to him isn't really about dying, for him at least. It's showing the people who love you, who you really are. It's showing them that you aren't good enough for them and you will never be good enough for them. It's about giving into your worst self because you're afraid to be the person they believe you are. 

For Jeno, both Jaemin and Renjun thought he was better. And for a moment he thought he was too. For a split second, he thought, _hey, maybe this could work...maybe I could be that person_ but all of that was a dream. He would never be the Lee Jeno they loved. He could only be the gross, broken Lee Jeno that would never be worthy of their love.

But, it's not just Jaemin or Renjun. It's everyone. All seventeen other members and the managers and the producers. Don't even get him started on the fans. He doesn't deserve their love because he's a fuck up. He's untalented and he's not who they want him to be. 

"Hey, hey," Jisung says, moving Jeno's legs off of his lap and squatting beside Jeno. "You're crying so hard I think you're going to suffocate."

_Good_ , Jeno thinks, _then maybe they'll realize I'm no good for them_. 

"Jeno," Jisung snaps his fingers in front of Jeno's eyes, but they won't focus on them. His eyes can only focus on the tears forcing their way out of them, burning his eyes.

"I can't do this anymore, Jisung," Jeno cries, body slumping into the couch. "Any of this. I can't do this comeback. I can't be here anymore. I need to go home. I-I need to l-leave."

"You sound ridiculous," Jisung sighs. "You've debuted and you've done two comebacks already, Lee Jeno. You can do this too."

Jeno fists his hair, tugging on the roots. "You don't get it. You don't understand."

Jisung feels like crying because Jeno is right. He doesn't get it. He doesn't know anything about this. He wishes he could understand where it was coming from, but he just can't. And Jeno's getting more upset instead of less a-and Jisung just wants to cuddle with Chenle and forget about their impending debut and Jeno's impending self-destruction. 

"You should go," Jeno almost laughs, his emotions giving up.

"Yeah," Jisung agrees. He stands up and straightens out his sweats. He begins to walk away.

The whole time, Jeno is silently begging him not to go.

_Please, please, please don't leave me too._

_Please._

But it doesn't matter because Jisung is gone and it's just Jeno and his thoughts. His ugly, horrible, terrifying thoughts. He doesn't want alone with them. Because when he's alone with them, he makes decisions he shouldn't.

His tears are uncontrollable and the sobs that rack his body are inconsolable. He feels different people come and comfort him as he sobbed, not really knowing who they were. They stayed for a few minutes before retreating, giving up on helping him.

Everyone gives up on him. 

He can't breathe, can't hear anything except his own ugly sobs. He's creating a puddle of tears around him and at this point, he's ready to drown in his own tears. His whole body is numb. He quite literally can't feel anything anymore, his own body giving up. 

His crying comes to a stop. He's already so dehydrated it's not a surprise that he ran out of tears. He lies on the couch exhausted. He can barely keep his eyes open, mouth dry as fuck, and nose stuffed. He feels himself drifting and his body gives in, his mind going numb with sleep.

Jeno wakes up in his shared bedroom with Jaemin and Renjun, head on the pillow and an IV still stuck in his arm. He looks around the room, noticing that it's daytime, the sun shining through their windows. He smacks his lips together, feeling how cracked they are. He's naked except for some briefs, the color he was not previously wearing when he fell asleep.

He looks over, eyes searching for something...someone. He's only met with an empty room and a bottle of water on his bedside table. He sits up, bones cracking with the movement. He attempts to uncap the water, but his body is still too weak. He screams with frustration and hurls the water bottle at the wall, surprising himself when it hits it with a thud.

The door opens and Renjun peaks in. "Jeno? Hey!"

Renjun walks into the room and smiles. He looks at the water bottle on the floor and silently opens it for him, handing it to Jeno who jugs the whole bottle.

"Thirsty, huh?" Renjun laughs weakly, taking the empty bottle from Jeno and tossing it in the trash.

Jeno doesn't reply. He just stubbornly lays down back in bed, turning onto the side away from Renjun. He doesn't know why he's mad, why he's so angry at everything, but he is.

"Okay," Renjun says softly, touching Jeno's shoulder. "I'll bring you something to eat, okay? You've been out of it for awhile."

He closes his eyes and listens to Renjun's footsteps. He listens to the door creak open and then shut. Tears well up in his eyes and he clenches his fists. He takes a deep breath, trying so hard to regain control. 

He ends up slipping back into a deep sleep, one where he doesn't dream of anything. The next time he wakes up, it's dark outside. The room is lit only by a single desk lamp beside him. He swallows and sits up. He quickly glances towards his nightstand and grabs the bottle of water sitting there.

This time, he's able to open it. He drinks it all greedily, wiping his mouth when he's done and throwing it onto the floor. He looks back at the nightstand and sees a PB&J in a plastic baggie sitting there.

His stomach grumbles at the sight and he takes the sandwich to inspect it. It looks fresh, good enough to still eat. He scarfs down the sandwich, not realizing how hungry he'd been.

Then he's left to sit there and decide on what to do next. He could try and stand up or check the time or call for someone. But, that all sounds like so much work and he's still somehow exhausted. 

He lays back down and waits for sleep to come to him. It never does. After ten minutes of just laying on the bed, staring at the ceiling he sits back up. He looks around the room in search of his phone. It's not anywhere to be seen and Jeno sighs.

So much for calling someone.

He throws his legs over the side of the bed, bracing himself to stand up. He pushes himself off the bed with the help of his hands and he feels his knees wobble. He hangs onto his IV pole to be steady himself. He stumbles across the room a few times, almost falling flat on his face. He eventually makes it to the door and opens it, peering into the hallway.

It's dimly lit and he walks out, still clutching the pole like his life depends on it.

He's watching his feet when he bumps into something, or someone to be precise. He looks up and is met by his beautiful Na Jaemin's brown eyes.

"I was just coming to check on you," Jaemin smiles, putting his hands on Jeno's bare waist to keep him from falling. 

Jeno doesn't respond, not even sure he remembers how to use his voice. 

"Where were you going?" Jaemin asks, trying his hardest to ignore Jeno's silence. He knows Jeno hasn't talked to anyone he's seen, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.

Jeno shrugs, not knowing where he was going. He points to Jisung and Chenle's bathroom and Jaemin nods.

"I'll help you," Jaemin decides, wrapping an arm around Jeno's waist and helping him walk to the bathroom, being very careful of the IV. He opens the door for Jeno and helps him inside. "I'm just going to stay so you don't hurt yourself. I won't look."

Jeno nods but blushes anyway. It's not like they haven't seen each other naked, he's seen everyone naked, but this feels grossly intimate and close. He doesn't know how to explain it really, but he doesn't like how his heart speeds up. He doesn't want it to do that. 

He uses the bathroom, barely able to go without falling face first into the toilet. When he's done, Jaemin asks if he can turn back around, to which Jeno hums. Jaemin happily helps him wash his hands and then leave the bathroom.

"Do you want to go back to bed?" Jaemin asks, eyeing Jeno like he's got some kind of disease. 

Jeno shakes his head no and points to the kitchen. Jaemin nods and together they walk to the kitchen.

"Can I make you something?" Jaemin questions as he helps Jeno into the seat next to their island. "Renjun will probably cook you something. We can wake Kun if you want."

Jeno has so many questions. The biggest one being what time it is. He clears his throat, tongue dry. "U-uh," his voice is so deep he barely recognizes it. "W-what time is it?"

Jaemin's eyes widen. He coughs before quickly recovering and pulling his phone out of his pocket to check the time. "About midnight here soon."

"How long have I been asleep?" Jeno asks, taking the glass of water Jaemin offers him. 

Jaemin smiles, laughing to himself. "You've been in and out of sleep for three days, baby."

Jeno blushes at the pet name but quickly sobers up when he hears how long he's been out of it. "And I didn't have to go to the bathroom at all?"

He's so dumb. Out of all the questions, he asks _that_ one. 

Jaemin giggles. "You don't remember? We've all been on shifts, baby. You've gone to the bathroom, baby."

"Three days, huh?" Jeno hums, rubbing his chin. 

"Yeah," Jaemin confirms. "I was surprised when you slept for twenty-four hours straight."

"Shit," Jeno bites his lip. "That's...a lot."

Jaemin shrugs, grinning a bit. "You slept so soundly I thought you were dead."

Jeno purses his lips. "Where's Renjun?"

"Sleeping, probably. He's got the next shift. We call it dead shift," Jaemin smiles, leaning close to Jeno.

"Who's after him?" Jeno asks curiously, unable to stop himself.

"Kun. Then Ten. Then Yukhei. Then Jungwoo, Jisung, Chenle, me, Renjun."

Jeno raises his eyebrows in surprise. "Oh."

"Yeah."

There's a silence, Jeno unsure of what to say. He doesn't know what to say to Jaemin. How to even apologize for all the bullshit. He's so fucked up. Everything he's done is so fucked up.

"Do you wanna shower?" Jaemin asks suddenly, scarring Jeno to the point where he jumps out of his seat. "No offense, but you stink." He crinkles his nose for extra effect.

Jeno cracks a real smile for the first time in too long. "Please."

The two of them walk to their bedroom, side by side. Jeno clutches onto Jaemin for dear life, pretty sure he's leaving a bruise on the boy's body.

"C'mon," Jaemin mumbles, leading Jeno to the bathroom. It's kind of crowded with the pole in the room, but they make it work. "Doctor said when you wake up we can take the IV out."

Jeno nods and holds his arm out for Jaemin.

"Ew! No! I am not taking it out of your arm, Lee Jeno. I love you pieces but I refuse to pull a needle out of your bloody vein." Jaemin backs away from Jeno as if the thought is repulsive. "I'll get Renjun to do it. Knowing him, he'd probably stick it in you too."

Jaemin steps around Jeno, being very careful of him. He leaves the bathroom only to reappear a few minutes later with Renjun and a first aid kit.

Renjun's wearing Jeno's hood and he's practically drowning in it. He gives Jeno a soft smile and a kiss on the cheek. "Okay, sit down on the counter."

Jeno, assisted by Jaemin, sits on top of the counter as Renjun stands in between his legs. It's like a gross, cliche movie scene.

"Let me see," Renjun instructs, hand held out. Jeno puts his arm in Renjun's hand and lets him look at it. "Okay, Nana, get a cotton ball and bandaid please."

Jeno can't look as Renjun slowly pulls the needle out of his arm. He feels it but just gulps when Renjun holds a cotton ball to the bleeding injection site. They bandaid it with a lame butterfly band-aid that makes Jeno laugh.

"Was that safe?" Jeno asks after it's already been done.

Renjun shrugs. "Probably not."

Jaemin giggles and Jeno is reminded how much he loves his giggle. He's reminded how much he loves the two people standing in the bathroom with him when he looks like shit and he feels like shit.

"Here," Renjun pushes the pole out of the bathroom, making more space for Jaemin to stand. "You should brush your teeth and stuff so you can shower."

Jeno nods sadly. "Okay."

He takes both Renjun and Jaemin's hands to help him off the counter. Neither of them moves to leave the bathroom and he looks at them like he's trying to figure out what they're doing. 

Renjun is the first to say something. "I-it's just been a while...since I-I've seen you do this," he notions to the bathroom, "like brush your teeth or take a shower and I...I don't want to leave you. O-or I guess I don't want you to leave us."

Jeno's eyes burn with tears and he feels arms around him. He doesn't want to cry again, but tears slip down his cheeks anyway. "I'm," he hiccups, "I'm so sorry." He buries his face into Renjun's chest and feels a body behind him, draping themselves over him.

"Shh," Jaemin hums into his ear, soothing him. 

"It's okay, baby," Renjun murmurs, voice soft. "I love you so much, I hope you know that."

And Jeno cries harder because Renjun and Jaemin love him to death. They would take a bullet for him and he put him through so much.

"I c-can't ap-apologize eno-enough," he hiccups with every word. "I-I lo-love y-you gu-guys."

"We love you," Jaemin mumbles. "I love you, baby. I will love you forever and ever."

Jeno knows he has so much he needs to work on. He'll probably need to see a shrink or some shit, but right now it doesn't matter.

He's terrified of everything. Of the comeback. Of losing everything.

But right here, right now, in his boyfriends' arms, he feels safe. He feels loved. And that won't solve all his problems, it certainly won't. But, it's a start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading babes! hope you enjoyed it. this was only part 1 of my 3 part series. part 2 and 3 consists of markhyuck and chensung! i can't believe this was 12k words when it was literally only supposed to be like a paragraph long????? comment your thoughts and what you think i can improve on please. leave a kudos bc they make me feel special:))
> 
> until you see me again!


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